Little Universe

I’m pretty surprised and impressed by how many people are in therapy these days. Sometimes I'll casually mention therapy in conversation with an acquaintance, and then it turns out they've got a therapist too. And most have said they were enriched by it, regardless of whether they have a diagnosable mental health condition or not. No matter how your mental health is, it seems that having a guide to help us know ourselves better makes a noticeable difference to our lives.

Or does it?

We've also all heard about people who go to therapy for years and seemingly make minimal progress. It can even be tempting even to use this as 'evidence' to dismiss therapy as mere woo-woo, or therapists as money-grabbing hacks. And indeed, sometimes the therapist just isn't that good at their job. Or sometimes they are good, but not the right fit for the client. While those are important issues to consider, for this article I’d like to look at another angle.

There are some cases where even the best therapists will find it rather challenging to help someone. And that's not to say that those clients are bad – there’s absolutely nothing wrong with them as people. It just means they are in need of one thing: to cultivate the right frame of mind to be helped.

That frame of mind, in my experience, is openness and receptivity to other ideas and to try new things, even in a small way. Even 1% more openness and receptivity can help a person make great strides in therapy.

The good news is, this is controllable and learnable. Here are a few ways improving this one thing can really super-charge your therapy sessions. [Disclaimer: this isn’t meant to be taken as medical or any other sort of official or authoritative advice. This is a sharing of personal, individual experiences of therapy with the hope that they can be helpful to others.]

Even if our problems are everyone else's fault, taking responsibility for the role those problems play in our life can lead to lasting changes and even confidence.

It really sucks when crappy things happen to us for no fault of our own. And it's totally natural and human to feel like life is unfair and we've been a victim. However, we can still make choices in response to these events. Sometimes our response isn't the best, and it takes a neutral, objective person to point it out.

Experimenting with making small changes to our response, and seeing the results, can not only improve the quality of our lives – but also improve our confidence and sense of agency even in situations outside our control.

Having a safe space to rant is important and valuable. That safe space can also help us process and move on from the issue, rather than be stuck in anger.

We’ve all had that one thing we keep ranting to our friends about and they get tired of it. Yet our therapist will listen when we complain for the 17th time that “Rosita never says hello to me at work” – and then we’ll feel better. But we can also help the therapist help us, by saying “It really upsets me that Rosita doesn't say hello to me at work”. Phrasing it in a way that shows awareness of the emotions involved can help us move forward to asking productive follow-up questions, like “Why does Rosita matter so much to me anyway?” That helps us get unstuck from obsessing over the situation. Then we are able to rise above it and move on genuinely (rather than suppressing our feelings).

Facing parts of ourselves we don't like is really hard, but it's OK and safe to examine them with compassion.

This is one of the hardest parts of therapy, so good therapists are skilled at helping clients understand that they are allowed to have flaws. They can help us see ourselves in a kinder light. This gives us the strength to face very difficult things.

Choosing to see a situation from a different point of view means we can be flexible with our vision, and therefore our actions.

Many of us make decisions with our head, which is great at work but can cause problems with relationships. Experimenting with seeing a situation in a heart-led way can lead to fresh realisations and renewed understanding and confidence in our inner voice. Beyond head and heart, there are many other filters we could try out. This is one of my personal favourite parts of therapy.

Receptivity in everyday life

Beyond therapy, receptivity and openness can bring value to many parts of our lives. For instance, Drs. John and Julie Gottman (leading relationship experts) identified receptivity as an important ingredient for a healthy relationship. That means being willing to be influenced to some extent by your partner, but not so much that you lose your individual identity.

Indeed, finding that balance between receptivity and maintaining a boundary for our individuality can be very tricky, so this is where self-awareness comes in. With receptivity, we are able to be curious and discover the emotion we are feeling, in order to process it. And self-awareness empowers us to use the right words to tell another person how we feel.

While receptivity helps us experiment with new ways of seeing the world, self-awareness allows us to critically assess whether it suits us or not.

Receptivity opens the way for us to see our and others’ mistakes with compassion, and self-awareness enables us to take accountability for our actions in life and choose to grow from them.

So whether you are in therapy or not, receptivity matters and can be a useful tool for expanding our worlds. How does it show up in your life?