Little Universe

I’ve struggled with anxiety most of my life. It is always there, thrumming along in the background. And when things get extra stressful or uncertain, the anxiety flares up. If my brain is a page and thoughts are the words, during stressful times the anxious thoughts grow from a tiny, unobtrusive font to a bold, italic, all-caps nightmare overwhelming the page. But it doesn’t let up when life gets quieter. When the page is clearer, the small font size suddenly seems not so small anymore. And then it’s all I can focus on.

That’s been happening lately during my much-needed time off during the holiday season. I’ve been using this break not only to relax, but also – importantly – to process recent challenging events. So it was never going to be all peachy. But to add to that, my longtime friend anxiety has decided to pop by for a visit. Medium font size at best – but hard to ignore.

So this morning, I decided we should have a little chat. I asked my anxiety why it blocks me from feeling joy more often. Here is how the conversation went.

ANXIETY: I do this because I don’t want us to forget that there are people around the world suffering right now. And that suffering doesn’t just happen to ‘other people’. Such terrible things could happen in our life too.

ME: This all makes logical sense. But you and I have been living in this fear for decades and I don’t feel like it’s improved my life or me as a person.

ANXIETY: I disagree. I think that if we’re joyful all the time, we’ll become self-absorbed and only focused on our own happiness and unable to empathise or show compassion for others who are suffering. So, I do make you a better person by keeping you in constant low-level fear! You’re welcome. I’m so proud of myself.

ME: Seriously? Fine, that’s a noble goal. But I know joyful people who are very generous and kind to others. I feel lighter just from being in their presence – it’s like they’re giving without even trying. Plus, they have great boundaries which allows them to empathise and show compassion without getting drained. That’s not self-absorbed.

ANXIETY: Yeah true, they’re really great people… but I don’t know, it just doesn’t feel safe to lean into feeling joyful. It feels like the second we try that, something bad will happen.

ME: Brene Brown talked about that. That many people associate joy with foreboding. Sucks. Why do I do that?

ANXIETY: Probably because you’ve been living with me for a long time, hah! Don’t be too hard on yourself.

ME: What? Jeez, you’re actually quite nice sometimes.

ANXIETY: Right?! I know I’m a jackass most of the time but I know how to pick my moments. After all, I care about you and want to protect you. That’s literally why I exist!

ME: A therapist once told me that humans evolved to experience anxiety – it provided a sense of caution and protectiveness which was critical to prevent our species from going extinct. So, thanks I guess. But can you please not overwhelm all the other emotions?

ANXIETY: I don’t know how to do that, to be honest. I’ve been dominating the group for years. Though recently I’ve noticed that sadness and anger do some jobs better than I do. It’s kind of annoying, but whatever, I just wait around until they mess up and then I step in. And I suppose I could let joy take the stage for like, a minute maybe?

ME: Thanks for clarifying how you see things. I also think sadness and anger are great at what they do and I’m trying to let them come through in healthier ways. Let’s give joy a chance too.

ANXIETY: But we’ll be in for a massive shock if something bad does happen while joy takes the stage. We’ll have a hard time dealing with it.

ME: No offense, but remember when we had a massive shock recently, which came during a moment of joy? Turns out we can deal – we didn’t fall apart into a useless puddle. Yes, there was definitely a lot of fear. But we were overwhelmed with a sense of duty and even devotion. It became clear what was most important in that moment. And not only that, we felt like we needed to be strong for everyone else. We found and even created tiny pockets of joy – a different type of joy, that helped all of us get through a difficult time.

ANXIETY: Oh yeah. That was cool. I didn’t know we had that in us, to be honest. High five!

ME: Uh, sure Anxiety. High five. So that means even you can’t deny that we’ve got a pretty solid “when it happens, I’ll find a way to deal with it” programming that gets activated by the massive shocks that we fear so much.

ANXIETY: Huh. Yeah. True.

ME: And it’s not like I’m going to be this totally fearless person now. Shitty situations are still shitty. But it doesn’t help to completely forget that we also have strength and people we can lean on. Plus, people need to lean on us too, from time to time. How do I get the energy for that if you keep draining it with fear and dread?

ANXIETY: Good point, I do still want to be helpful though. I’m not a good team player, you know that.

ME: Well, could you try? I mean, you’re protective and cautious – that’s great. But the terror and despair – can we PLEASE drop that?

ANXIETY: As long as you’re clear on my strengths and you let me use them. And you and I both know you can never get rid of me, hah! You can’t beat evolution, fucko!

ME: Hey hey hey, cool it with the language. And it’s true that I can’t get rid of you. The best I can do is reduce your font size. So, I’m not going to insist we stop thinking anxious thoughts. Catastrophise all you want, have a ball. But on one condition.

ANXIETY: What, so you’re NOT stopping me from reminding you about all the suffering in the world and how you’re totally helpless and you don’t deserve to feel joy?

ME: Jeez, YES, I’m not stopping you. But I’m holding you to one condition. We also have to imagine that someone, somewhere, is going through the opposite. Essentially, if you’re going to go to negative extremes, we have to balance them out with positive extremes.

ANXIETY: This sounds stupid, but sure. Here’s a negative extreme. Someone somewhere has just lost all their savings. They were a kind person who was swindled and they didn’t deserve this. Their extended family depends on their income for their survival.

ME: Aw, man. OK, a kind person somewhere else has been working hard all their life and just won the lottery – now their extended family can live comfortably and even have some extra money to fulfil dreams like travelling, buying property, starting a business, studying abroad.

ANXIETY: Hm, maybe your idea wasn’t as stupid as I thought. OK, here’s another. Someone has just discovered they have an incurable disease that will cause their vision to slowly deteriorate until they cannot see anymore.

ME: Ahhh, this is difficult. First of all I am going to imagine that this person has a loving support system that will make this easier for them. Second, let’s imagine that someone else has just been cured of blindness with a revolutionary new technology that they never even imagined they would have access to. Now not only are they happier, but their joy spreads to the people around them.

ANXIETY: Huh, this is kind of a fun game. Also, in both these scenarios, the fortunate person’s joy was contagious.

ME: Good point. Is joy inherently contagious then? Is that why I feel better around people who are joyful, even though they’re not doing anything specific?

ANXIETY: Could be. But I don’t think you’re even wired to be joyful. You’re kind of morose.

ME: What! I’m not that bad! Am I?! Well, I suppose we could start with maybe trying to cultivate peace? And then shoot for joy?

ANXIETY: Whatever. I think I can work with that. By the way, someone somewhere has just lost their home in a fire caused by unseasonally dry conditions due to climate change.

ME: Come on, man! OK, someone somewhere has been homeless for a long time and has finally got a home to live in and has big dreams for how they want to live their life. Maybe this person will even create or influence some really effective environmental policies or initiatives.

ANXIETY: Oh, now you’ve got your fortunate people saving the world.

ME: You and your snark.

ANXIETY: Are we done here?

ME: If you’re done scaring me, I have no problem with that.

ANXIETY: Lol cool, see you later alligator! Actually, not later. See you soon, little cartoon…

ME: Jackass.

So after that rather illuminating chat, I decided to start doing this. When I have an extreme negative thought, I’ll try to imagine an extreme positive – its opposite – happening to someone. As I just came up with the exercise this morning, it’s not been enough time to conclude whether it works. Uncharacteristically, though, I have a good feeling about it.

POSTSCRIPT: Not to depress anyone, but my anxiety is capable of sharing worse situations that really upset me and that I didn’t want to share here. For certain types of tragedy and suffering, all I can do is imagine I am giving them a piece of my heart, and wish them well with whatever compassion I am capable of mustering. But with this exercise, I can also imagine that someone else who experienced the same suffering has found sustained peace and is moving forward. And so it rekindles hope.